Int. Curling ice rink - day

DREW, a fit 22 year-old, stares down the ice of Sydney University's Curling rink, home of the renown Australian Curling Team.

He's positioned in a crouch, practically sitting on his right heel. He holds a CURLING BROOM in his left hand, using it for balance. In his right hand is the red CURLING STONE.

He pulls the stone back and pushes off with his right foot. Drew, his brush, and the stone slide fluidly together down the ice. With a skilled release, Drew puts the stone in a slow rotation.

After a few seconds of lone gliding, the stone reaches the sweepers MATT and EDDIE, anxiously awaiting with their brooms. Each push off with their back foot and slide on their front Teflon-soled shoe. They start feverishly sweeping in front of the stone, providing a perfectly smooth path for the stone's strike.

Drew

Be careful. Be careful! BE CARE--

Matt

Go! Go! Go! Go!

KELLY, the eldest of the team, is standing behind the TEE (target). As the skipper, Kelly gives the final word.

KELLY

Off!

Matt and Eddie dramatically withdraw their brushes but continue moving alongside the stone.

Matt

Yellow One! I got it!

Matt puts his arm out and Eddie slides to the side. Their red stone slams into a yellow stone at the top of the tee.

Kelly

You're on Matt, you're on!

Matt frantically sweeps in front of the yellow stone, giving it the speed needed to exit the tee. Three red stones remain alone in the tee. A shutout.

Kelly

(hiding jubilation)

Well, we're done here.

Drew slides in, joining everyone on the tee.

Drew

Fucking perfect. Right Kelly?

Kelly

Better clean up that mouth. We're going to be representing our country soon.

Matt

Shit yeah...I bet I look good in gold.

Eddie

Kelly, we gotta move.

Kelly glances at his watch, then to his two cocky young teammates.

Kelly

Okay, listen up. You two be careful.

Drew

Come on Kelly.

Kelly

Shut it Drew. You're worse than he is.

Kelly points to Matt, busy finger-digging his ear.

Kelly

Matt, listen! We have the Olympic prelims in five days. So if you're thinking about doing something stupid, stop and think. If the chances of you getting hurt or in trouble are over ten, over ONE percent, do not do it.

Matt

Yeah, we --

Kelly

-- WE may never have this chance again.

EDDIE

Guys, we're your teammates. We just want you to be safe.

Kelly

So just stay at your place, study for finals, take care of yourselves. And we'll see you at home.

EXT. Manning bar - DAY

Drew and Matt are sitting at a table on the balcony of Manning, the main bar on the Sydney University campus.

A handful of empty mugs sit at the edge of the table. Matt, a pudgy, misguided 21 year-old, opens his mouth and drinks half his beer.

Matt

It feels good.

Drew

Doesn't it?

Drew takes an empty mug and slides it down the table in a curling-like motion. It stops right on the edge, alongside the other glasses.

Drew

Matt, think about this for a second. We got our parents to send us to Australia for "school". And we didn't even go to one class!

Matt finishes another sip.

Matt

I didn't even register.

Drew

All we did was hang out and curl.

Matt

And party. Don't forget all that partying.

Drew

Well, that's always part of curling. And now we're gonna go back and compete in the Olympic games.

Matt

How could our parents possibly give us shit after that?

Drew

Who cares? Do you realize in a few months we'll have gold medals, a shitload of money --

Matt

(shaking hands)

Yeeeeeeeees!

Drew

-- and people will be saying, 'I went to school with those kids, I hung out with those kids.'

Matt

And some lucky girls will say, 'I went down on those kids.'

They tap their mugs and down the beer. Drew looks at a clock.

Drew

Man, it's ten-thirty already.

Matt

No shit. I'm pretty drunk.

Matt takes his empty mug and slides it across the table. It tips off the edge and SHATTERS on the ground.

Drew

Let's pretend that didn't happen.

Matt

Man...this is the first time I've been messed up since last night.

Drew

Late start huh Matty? Welp, time to get evicted.

INT. building in midtown - Day

Drew and Matt enter the elegant building and head toward the elevator, passing a small pastry shop. Matt suddenly stops and points to the display window.

Matt

You wanna get some pastries?

Drew

You fat fuck.

Matt

Come on man, don't say that. That's how people get eating disorders.

Drew

You already got one. You're bulimic. You just forget to throw up.

Matt

CAN'T throw up. I have gastroenstice.

Drew is puzzled by the mention of his surname as a stomach disorder.

Matt

For real, I've never thrown up in my life. Even as a baby. My mom said I never spit up, not once. I hold everything down.

Drew

Oh I believe you.

Matt

Besides they're not just for me. Get em for everybody upstairs. Grease the wheels a bit.

INT. TRIbunal Hearing - Day

Drew and Matt are lounging in the back of the courtroom, watching a case in progress. Traces of powdered sugar remain on Matt's cheek from the pastry(ies) he has already devoured.

A realtor is at the plaintiff's table and two Indian women sit at the defendant's table.

magistrate

You owe a thousand dollars and have not demonstrated to me sufficient ability to pay that balance.

Indian Woman

I was pregnant and was very ill. I could not work.

A late-20's, fairly attractive REALTOR REPRESENTATIVE comes in the room and sits near Drew and Matt. Matt waves to her and she acknowledges him with an awkward smile.

magistrate

This is useless information. If you became unable to work, you should have adjusted for the change. I am terminating the lease, effective immediately. You have two days to remove your belongings.

The Magistrate bangs her gavel, stamps a paper, signs another, and closes the case folder.

Indian Woman

Please, we have nowhere to go! My husband is sick. We can pay back the money.

magistrate

I'm sorry, but the case is closed. What you say now makes no difference. Next matter.

The woman weeps as she and her companion slowly get up and exit the room.

magistrate

Express Realty versus Andrew Enstice and Matthew Miller. Is a representative from Express present?

Realtor Rep.

(standing up)

Yes, your Honor.

magistrate

Are Mr. Enstice and Mr. Miller present?

Matt and Drew stand.

drew

Yes, your Honor, we're both here.

The Magistrate scans their file and puts on a sour face.

magistrate

I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly. They owe five thousand dollars in back rent? Is this correct?

Realtor Rep.

Yes, your Honor. That is correct.

Magistrate

Although I doubt it will matter, have you discussed the dispute with each other?

Realtor Rep.

No, your Honor. We haven't.

Magistrate

It's policy for both parties to hold a private meeting before I preside. So off you go.

Int. private meeting room - day

Drew and Matt are sitting at a table with the Realtor Rep.

Realtor Rep.

So...what's going on?

Matt

(opening box)

Want a pastry?

Realtor Rep.

No, it's okay.

Matt

Come on, we bought them for you.

Matt takes one out, cuts a piece, and throws it in his mouth.

Realtor Rep.

You should've used that money to pay rent.

matt

Well, they were only a few bucks.

Drew

Compared to five thousand.

Realtor Rep.

So how come you have no money?

Drew

Our parents turned their backs on us. They cut us off.

Realtor Rep.

Why would they do that?

Drew

They saw our mid-semester marks.

Realtor Rep.

Was it that bad?

Drew

Hey, Australia's a huuuge adjustment. The metric system, different spellings, it's a real culture shock.

matt

And jet lag. It took us months to get over that.

Realtor Rep.

Months, to get over jet lag?

Matt

Well it turns out we were just stoned the whole time!

She looks down to hide her smile.

Realtor Rep.

Okay, enough. You've been here for five months. Is there any way you can pay this?

Drew

I dunno. We got student visas, so we can't work.

Matt

Okay, how about this. You come over, I'll make dinner, we'll have a few drinks and then we'll shoot some numbers around.

The Rep looks at the sloppy, slightly-intoxicated Matt.

Realtor Rep.

Uhhh...sorry, I can't.

Matt

Why not? It's probably one of the last nights at our place. Don't tell me you take this shit personally. Come on, it's not your money.

Realtor Rep.

I know.

Matt

So what's the problem?

Matt offers her a piece of pastry. She puts her hands up to pass and remains as serious as possible.

Realtor Rep.

Okay, so you can't get the money together. I say we go back in and see what she says.

Drew

Alright. Can we have a word in private?

Realtor Rep.

Sure.

She gets up and walks out.

Drew

Alright, Matty. Here's what we're gonna do. I'll come across with a little comeacross. Say our parents already sent the money, and all we need is five days.

Matt

Okay.

Drew

Then the Caveman will be here with some cash and we'll just ride this wave right out.

INT. TRIbunal Hearing - Day

Magistrate

So you couldn't come up with a compromise?

drew

Your Honor, we just need five days. Our parents transferred the money, but it's held up overseas.

Drew looks at Matt who proudly simulates a wave with a smooth hand motion.

Magistrate

Do you have any proof of this?

drew

Yeah well, no. Well...no. I mean, I can give you my word.

The Magistrate leans over her desk and glares at the two.

Magistrate

With the amount of money you owe, it disturbs me that you expect any more time. Your word is as worthless as your wallet. As of now, your lease is terminated. You no longer, nor will you ever again hold residence in Australia. I just hope you can afford the airport tax so you can leave this country.

She hits the gavel and stamps a paper.

Matt

(to Drew)

Airport tax?

Drew

(to Magistrate)

So when do we have to be out?

Magistrate

Ten seconds ago!

Everyone gets up and heads toward the door.

Drew

Man, what a bitch.

Matt walks next to the Realtor Rep as they exit the courtroom.

Matt

So seriously, you wanna hang out?

EXT. bus stop - Day

Drew and Matt are sitting at a bus stop, not too bothered by their new situation.

drew

It's not a big deal. He'll have souvenir money. We can use that for the airport tax. If he wants to go somewhere, we'll take him to the mountains. Boom. Free.

Matt

Sneaky. The Caveman will love that. He'll think we planned it.

A bus pulls up and Matt and Drew walk toward the rear. The doors open. People begin entering in the front door as others exit the back.

After the last person gets off, Matt and Drew bolt into the bus's back door. The bus driver is busy taking money and doesn't notice. Passengers are amazed that Matt and Drew are doing the adolescent trick.

EXT. APT BUilding - Day

Matt and Drew get dropped off and walk to their ragged three-story cement cube apartment building, located a block away from the famous Bondi Beach.

Int. apt stairwell - day

They walk up the steps to their 2nd floor pad. A piece of paper reading "THE SHELTER" is stuck to the front door with oily peanut butter.

Matt

So when should we move our crap out?

Drew

Honestly, we shouldn't even worry. Nothing moves quick in Australia.

Matt

Yeah, what am I talking about?

With his bodyweight's momentum, Matt leans and turns the doorknob, expecting it to open. Unfortunately, it's locked and he smashes his head on the thick wood.

Matt

Awwwwww, fuck!

Matt turns to the side and grabs his head. Drew steps in and tries the knob.

Drew

Are you serious?

Drew jiggles the knob.

Drew

Dude, it's locked!

Matt

Well shit my pants...I didn't even know we had a lock. Oh man, our stuff!

Drew

Alright, so we're out fifteen bucks. Forget it. Let's go down to the Wills...get a contact high and wait for Dave.

Int. the wills apt - Day

Drew is seated in a large chair and Matt is wedged in the couch between two distinct personalities - ODED and LITTLE WILL.

Oded is a skinny, wild-eyed Israeli with a freaky accent. Little Will is a 220 lb. dark young man born in the Cook Islands. His eyes are nearly closed and he speaks with a mellow New Zealand accent.

Little Will is leaning over the legless coffee table in the middle of the room, chopping up weed on a cutting board with a large kitchen knife. Oded is halfway through smoking a CONE (small bowl of weed) from a bong.

Drew

And so basically we got our buddy coming out here and we have no idea what to do.

Oded finishes his hit and sets the bong in front of Little Will. Little Will starts repacking it with the diced-up weed.

Little Will

Not sure. Smoke a cone, bro?

Drew

Na man, they test us.

Matt

Yeah, I hope I don't get too nervous.

Matt pats his upper arm. Everyone looks at him a bit confused. Will breaks the brief silence.

Little Will

I have the tea.

Drew

Na man, gotta play it safe.

Little Will

Then I'll take it for you bro.

Little Will smokes the entire cone in a single hit and traps it deep inside his spongy lungs.

Oded

Will man, you can smoke a lot of weed man. I fink it's too much.

Little Will shakes his head at Oded and finally exhales. When he does, the smoke is gone, leaving some light fog.

Matt

Goddamn Will, does smoke even come out of you anymore?

ODED

He's a magician man. He makes smoke disappear.

LITTLE Will

Gotta zero it out bro. Hold it in the cranium.

Drew

Will, what's the most you ever smoked?

Little Will freezes with his mouth open, staring at the wall. His head slowly turns to deliver a response.

Little Will

A year ago. I was visiting my brother at home in New Zealand. He had a full ounce of weed. We smoked it all, bro.

Matt

Jesus.

Little Will

All we wanted to do was get stoned...go to bed, stoned. Wake up the next morning...still stoned.

Little Will looks down at the small pile of weed on the coffee table and smiles.

Little Will

Love weed, bro.

Little Will's cousin, 300+ lb. tattooed BIG WILL enters the room and opens the fridge next to the couch.

big Will

I think yoor friend is here fellas.

Matt

Oh, thanks Big Will.

EXT. Apartment Building - Day

DAVE (a.k.a. CAVEMAN), a burly 22 year-old party animal, flings open the cab door and jumps out. He grabs a whistle from his pocket and blows it as hard as he can.

Dave

(deep voice)

I summon the troops!

Dave repeatedly blows the whistle until Drew and Matt get within a foot.

Matt

Caveman!!!

They all exchange quick, mighty hugs.

Drew

What's up Dave?

Dave

Not too much. Ready to kick ass!

Dave walks around the cab and grabs his enormous backpack from the open trunk.

Drew

Goddamn Dave, that's the biggest sack I've ever seen.

Dave

That's what she said. Aaarrrggghhh!

Dave shuts the trunk and looks at the waiting cabbie through the rear windscreen.

Dave

Hey uhhhh, you guys got any cash?

matt

Na, it's cool. Cabs from the airport take American money.

Dave

No, I have none. I got pick-pocketed on the plane.

Drew

No you didn't.

Dave

Yes I did. Some kid snatched my wallet when I was taking a piss.

Drew

Was he in the bathroom with you?

Dave

N, n, NO!

Matt

(coyly)

Did you make the Mile High Club?

Dave

No! I stepped over him to get up.

CABBIE (V.O.)

Excuse Me!

Dave

Well you gonna pay the man?

Matt stares at Dave for a second, looks at Drew, shakes his head, then walks to the cab.

Dave

Well I figured you guys had some money for me to borrow.

drew

Please tell me you have some money.

Matt walks back after settling Dave's tab.

Dave

I put money in my wallet. What don't you understand?

Drew

I don't understand how you could be -- nevermind. It's not your fault.

(to Matt)

We're in a bit of trouble here.

Minutes later

Dave, Drew, and Matt are sitting on the curb. Drew has just finished the explanation to Dave.

Dave

So if we don't get any money, we can't leave the country?

Matt

Yeah dude.

Dave

Well, I wish you would've told me. Then...

Drew

Then, then what? You wouldn't have lost your wallet?

Dave stands up, looking down on Drew and Matt.

Dave

Well thank God I came out. Let's get to work. First what should I do with Lolita?

Matt

Lolita?

Dave

Yeah.

Dave punches his enormous backpack.

Dave

She carries everything we'll ever need. She's my Mexican bitch!

Dave gets in position behind his bag and grabs the two shoulder straps. In an impressive display of strength, he yanks it up and flips the huge bag over his head and onto his back. Drew and Matt stand up.

Drew

Alright Caveman, follow us.

Dave points to the main strip in Bondi.

Dave

To the bar!

Drew

No! We gotta straighten this shit out.

Int. Will's Apartment - Day

The progressively larger New Zealanders Little, MEDIUM WILL, and Big Will are hanging out. Oded is spaced-out on the couch, nodding his head to the TV.

Drew, Matt, and Dave enter the crowded apartment. Little Will is smoking another cone.

DREW

Dave, this is Oded. That's Little Will, Medium Will, and over there's Big Will.

Dave

Well that's convenient.

Each Will executes the exact same handshake with Dave.

Oded

Nice to meet you man. I hear much about you.

Oded gives Dave a flaccid handshake.

Little will

Dave bro, smoke a cone?

Dave

Oh well thank you.

Dave and Matt sit down on the couch. Drew leans against the wall, still antsy. Dave grabs the bong and holds it up.

Dave

Now this is the way you start a trip!

Dave takes a hit and coughs. He tries to pass it to Matt, who puts his hand up, rejecting the pass.

Matt

Sorry Dave. Doesn't work that way here. That's your cone. You gotta finish it.

Dave looks around to see everyone staring at him. Big Will points at the bong and raises his finger.

Dave

Ahhh....

Dave lights it again and inhales.

Drew

Will, can I use the phone? I gotta call my parents to ask for money.

Little Will

Of course, bro. Of course.

Drew walks toward the phone in the corner of the room. Dave exhales and holds the bong in his lap.

Dave

(coughing)

Don't even bother! They boycotted both you losers.

Drew

What?

Dave

They're not home. Your mom told me that if you can take a five month vacation, they can go on a cruise for two weeks.

Drew

A fucking cruise? When did they leave?

Dave

Don't worry, they'll be at your prelims.

Drew

Yeah, but we won't.

Dave passes the bong back to Will, who packs it again.

Matt

What about my parents?

Dave

They went with them. So did mine. That's why I'm out here. My Dad cancelled his business trip so I got the ticket.

Matt

Shit...

Drew

They're all gone?

Dave

Why else would I come to Australia for four days you idiots!

Drew gawks at Dave and Matt on the couch as Medium Will takes an experienced hit from the bong.

Drew

Dave, do you realize? If we have no money, you're not gonna be here four days. You're gonna be here indefinitely.

Dave takes a look at the bong and sits back, getting comfortable on the couch.

Drew

That may not matter to you, but we have the biggest event of our lives in FIVE days.

Matt

Does anyone here have any money we can borrow? We need like two hundred and fifty bucks or else we're totally screwed.

Oded

Sorry man, I have less den one hundred dollars. It's the conversion ratio. Is not good for Israelis.

Little Will

And we're all broke until we get paid next week.

Drew

You don't even have any stashed away? We'll pay you back.

Medium Will

Na, we don't even have bank accounts.

Little will

Live by the paycheck, bro.

Drew

Matt, you gotta have someone's number in that phone.

Matt

Okay. Kelly and Eddie are gone, our parents are gone, and we don't know anybody else here.

drew

There's gotta be somebody.

Matt

I'll try, but I really doubt it.

Matt walks over to the Wills' phone. He reaches in his pocket and removes a mobile phone.

Drew watches nervously as Matt wedges the receiver to his ear, holds the cell phone in one hand (as a phone book) and dials with the other. Dave sees Matt's strange multi-tasking and gets weirded out.

Dave

Man, I'm messed up.

(flapping lips)

Brrrrrrrr.

ODED

That's because all the weed in Sydney is hydro, man. Is de same in Israel. Hydro is shit, man. It kills your brain. They need more bush here, man.

Dave

Hey buddy, weed's weed.

Oded

Caveman man, dat's not true man. Hydro is made indoor wif chemicals. Da bush is all natural man, is grown on a farm. Hydro gives you hangover. Bush is better for your head man.

Matt looks up from dialing.

Matt

Yeah Dave. We went to this hippie town and got a huge bag of the shit and just smoked it nonstop for a week.

Drew

(shaking head)

Nimbin...

Oded

You should go bag and ged more. Sydney NEEDS bush! My friends will buy everyfing.

Matt and Drew look at each other for a second and confirm.

drew

Dude.

Matt hangs up the phones.

Dave

That's it! We'll go to this hippie town and buy this bush shit.

Drew and Matt are already ahead of Dave.

Drew

Dave, you're a genius.

Dave

I knew I'd think of something.

Drew

We still got no money to rent a car or even pay for the weed.

Oded

I have no car, but I can lend you some money for the bush man.

Dave

Wooo hooo, we're hitchhiking!

Little Will

(from the depths)

The cartoon car.

Everyone in the room stops and looks at Little Will.

Little will

I'm house-sitting for the cartoon lady next door. And she left the car keys.

matt

That'd be awesome.

Drew

You sure Will?